i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
