Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
