using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
