I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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