Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize