I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
