You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
