i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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