dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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