your thong is hanging out like whoa
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
