I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize