Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
