dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
