Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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