based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
