im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
