i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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