textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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