Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
