C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
