I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
