I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
