i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
