Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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