worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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