I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize