I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
