don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
