When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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