Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm experimenting with sincerity
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
