I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
