help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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