I am midnight drunk by noon
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
