he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
