What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
