u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
