Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
