my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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