Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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