I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
