New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
