On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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