Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
