I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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