I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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