Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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