I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
