Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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