o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
