i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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