Banned from zoo.
Again?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
