Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I intend to get homeless drunk
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
