FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
