If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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