Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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