I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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