OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
