I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize