There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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